I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
