I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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