I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Every concussion has its silver lining
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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