I accidentally had phone sex last night
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Randomize
