My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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