mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
