I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
