Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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