I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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