Nicole vs. Life
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm just crazy horny about you
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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