Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Randomize
