just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
