I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
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What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
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I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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