Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
