I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
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you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
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My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers