i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
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and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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