it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
