as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
