she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
You can't just leave with hair like that
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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