I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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