i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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