my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
