why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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