I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
It was confusing and full of hummus
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Randomize
