So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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