the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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