I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
