you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
