please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
