I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
