You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
