so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
