Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
