Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
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So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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