He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Randomize
