found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
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