I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
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I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
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Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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