There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
