I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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