The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
my phone needs a breathalizer
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
