Umm I'm too high to move.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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