the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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