I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
