girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
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I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
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he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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