just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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