i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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