remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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