I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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