he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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