I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
