If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
