Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
my sisters under your porch take her home
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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