Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
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Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
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Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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