I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
