Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
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I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
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My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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